Walking ☛ Running ☛ Crawling

I don't know even where to begin. About a month ago I was walking through life-truly enjoying the casual stroll of it all. A new house, a new job, a new ward, said goodbye to friends from the past 3 years and was ready to move forward with whatever the good Lord had in store. I know life to be 90% attitude and what you make of it and the other 10% of what just comes your way. I was completely content, happy, loved being outdoors by myself, in fact doing most thing by myself, with the exceptions of climbing, teaching, and chilling with my roommates. I was completely satisfied and had come to a strong resolution I wouldn't even think about men and just play the summer away and get back the life I once had two summers ago! I had been previously consumed by school, work and a calling.

Then in the middle of me about to go on a climbing date-which is my passion, climbing not dating, comes this kid out of now where!!! It was kind of like I lost my head and couldn't have cared less about the climb or the other guy any more. It may have been the goodness in his eyes or the intrigue of his smile. To this day I'm still unsure, maybe it was some combo action. Either way something weird happened to me, I dropped my guard, and or the first time since I was fourteen really let someone in! It was the most empowering and bittersweet feelings I've ever had.

I've had people try and explain these occurrences to me, but I honestly haven't felt anything like it. In part I'm sure because I hold back and make a complete disconnect between my heart and head. I can love with my head really easy-it's actually 2nd nature to me. At an early age, I was taught to love by my father, know the doctrine associated, understand the principles and actions behind what love is and most of this can actually be done without the heart, but I must warn you when you finally let your heart get involved it's like a race. One I've seen others run, one I thought was great for them if they wanted to lose their heads and look foolish in front of everyone. It wasn't ever going to be me...or so I thought until now.

I'm in this race, with my hands tied behind my back, unable to use them to propel myself forward. The water stations are only dangerously every 5 miles apart instead of every two and for the first month of the race, water stations were every 1/2 mile! Making the race easy and I felt full and hydrated, giving me much confidence and next to no worries about my twittered behavior. Then my running partner started getting cold feet and talking to runners who haven't trained, either in the best schools or even at all! Runners who don't run or give up because they stub their toes. He loves them so he listens to them, but they don't know me or even the whole situation. I openly admit I don't have a clue about their whole situation either, other than there is some impenetrable bond that won't ever be broken. I actually respect that a lot, just not the judgements and harsh reality this group of friends-is like a VIP club and every other runner wanting in, even the very best must endure the harshest hazing process.

If that wasn't enough, this other old-time runner comes from out of town, doesn't know me from Eve, makes a few harsh judgement calls, and I'm out of even being on the steps of the VIP club, but to the back of the line four blocks down the street! I just got messed...I don't even want the club, just a member, the best member, to come back out and run with me. What does he do? Takes an axe and hacks me at my ankles. Now here I am ready to run and no means even whereby to do so! In the back of my mind I recognize, he has these amazing plans cause I know he saw the trail and was ready to run it too-at the same time I did. It like being in a 5.8 on the richter scale and denying it ever happened.

Indeed I am grateful to have had the experiences I have had. Seeing a family that isn't perfect, but lovely and what I picture as mostly ideal. Allowing myself to open up and it's done wonders for me in some aspects. I'm just seemingly sassy to everyone. I forgot how very much I love being crazy-like hanging out truck doors, late night 711 runs, spending virtually every free moment in the mountains (that was why I came to Utah anyway) But now that I feel free with who and how do I run? Do I wait until he decided to give me my feet back while soaking my ankles in ice? Do I force him to give me my feet and my heart back too? I believe force is unjustified in most if not all cases, or do I follow the heart that I have left, freely give him what he has already, and go shopping for prosthetics? They are doing amazing things with them these days. When running with others I get board and if I don't run then I tuck my head nicely within my shell and wait out the hazard. All of the options make my heart, feet, and head hurt.

Early on in the week I had a training session with the head coach. He told me to crawl along with my feet iced, work on the other things I have been given to occupy my time, love the runner with all his friends and it would all work out as I'd been previously instructed by the coach. The only problem is...I'm not a big fan of placing things on ice. Ice melts, it makes a mess, the flesh runs chill, and there's always a chance of constant ice burn.

Afterwards, I ran into a dear friend who was once an honorary VIP in the club, she gave me some good advice. She tells things like she sees them. Moreover, maybe she calls them similarly to how I see them. She used the example of a dog, which I relate well with, since I've taken much time to love and understand how mans best friend works. If a loyal dog wonders from home and someday will, the confident and educated owner trusts the dog knows where his home is, how much love it felt in her care, and god willing no harm comes to the animal, and they make it to their destination. If it's back home then it's exactly that-home. If not, then it just wasn't meant to be.

Faith is when you believe in someone enough to let them go that they can be who they are supposed to be!

Lots of Laughter and Love...when you lose yourself...

Sometimes I get to serious about life...there are items of my own genuine concern I feel necessitate such seriousness at times. However, when I set first things first; like I did today by spending hours in the scriptures I felt like I was able to unwind and let loose this evening! I gave plasma this morning and genuinely thought about the recipients and what their needs may be. I got to get outside of myself as a friend of mine is having medical problems and I was able to serve her. Two out of the few things I brought her she couldn't use, but alas I did my best!

Studying in the Old Testament is teaching me so very much! I don't know why we don't love them as much as all the others books of scriptures. I think they are harder to read because we as a scripture reading people have some phobia of long books. What about all the classic literature-they too are over a thousand pages. I was doing fine until I realized everything was going fuzzy and I was about to pass out from lack of food and water. Funny though...today I was reading in my personal study of how we need not take thought for what we need or want, if we build His kingdom Christ will care for us in 3 Nephi 18 (sometimes in giving adequate resources, material items, amazing abilities and talents to employ ourselves through). He cares for us. My roomates father bought us dinner, he fixed my refrigerator, and my Batty came and picked me up and drove me home to our abode.

After the food kicked in I did swell, had an invite to play some outdoor soccer, but declined so I could experience the best home teaching by Kev, ever! Than these lovely new found athletic chicas took us out in this beast of a truck-let me hang out (I still had my seat belt on) the window as we drove, singing at the top of our voices, screaming/cat calling to pedestrians, and we even got in a wrestle with a semi in one 711 parking lot before moving on to another 711. These lovely friend purchased a round of Slurpees and our night was well underway! We planned out more fun nights or dancing, concerts, and sports and now have more sistas of funness in the group!

Then I think the absolute highlight of the evening...A replay of the movie RM, except technically tomorrow, well today, is the last day of the month-anyway he leaves a reception to go and complete his home teaching. The best scene ever is when Kirby is tossing cookies at his teachee through the mail slot in her door and proceeds to tell "Sister Jane Doe" he can see her arm. You know he is bizarrely late and I think one family drags their kids out of bed to see him. Funny to have it a bit backwards. One sister we saw tonight didn't get home from Grantsville until 11:30 p.m. and the other didn't leave work in Bountiful until 11 p.m. Latest visiting teaching of my life and I loved every moment of it! It is such a wonderful blessing to feel how much God loves each and every soul as an individual, their there own little worlds they function within.

This life is to be enjoyed not just endured (G.B. Hinckley) and how can we more appropriately express our Joy than through love and laughter. Until recent weeks I'd forgotten how much I truly love laughing! Even more I love hearing others laugh, most everyones laughter is some sort of expression of love! Before I went to bed this evening I tickled my roommate as she wiggled around on the floor like a worm on a hook. I think she's the most ticklish person I know. You don't even touch her and she's squirming. What if our main goal in life was to help others to laugh, like life more, and love...Can you imagine how wonderful life would really be? I'd wager it's actually called Heaven on Earth. Why don't we focus more on building it today...right now!

My Bishop told me I looked devious tonight! If he only knew I was merely full of joy and excitement and a renewed love for life!

Attitude of Gratitude

In studying the Old Testament for seminary this fall-I had a realization during my run today! So often we are counseled by His living Oracles to have an attitude of gratitude. One of the reasons I am sure we are taught to act in such a way is much like the Israelites being lost in the wilderness for forty years because they merely forgot to remember the Lord their God. Even though, it was He who made it possible for them to live day to day providing manna. Giving them light by night-such and incredible and obvious source for everything they used and gained on a daily basis and yet they forgot the source from which their blessings came!

If we are grateful and consistently praise the Lord for all He continually grants unto us on a daily basis-can we really forget who it is we rely upon for all that we have, are, and will be? I'm so grateful for the many blessings of the gospel in my life. Grateful for a knowledge that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, Our Redeemer, the Creator, and ultimately a being whom supplies us with the only feasible amount of grace to ensure, if we chose, we may make it back to our Father who gave us life. Everything that is Spiritual is interconnected to our temporal world and vice versa. How great the goodness of our God. May we more fully trust Him and His will and all he asks of us that maybe sometime down the road we may more perfectly understand why He asks us to do all he does.

God is Love and Love is God

There was a man on the mission and this was a statement he would say with more enthusiasm than I have ever heard! I spent time with a close friend this evening. He and I have been through major trails of our faith together and through it all he's become one of my greatest friends. He listened to me talk about my concerns this evening, asked introspective questions about my thoughts and feelings in a situation I was expressing to him. What we were discussing comes from the deepest chasms of my heart. Oh how blessed I am to have a friend that wouldn't judge in the least or penetrate me with questions for more information than I was willing to express. We sat in chairs for a bit as I joked and asked if he was holding a PPI. We both thought this was funny. He is a good listener, thinker, and the love I was able to feel through him exercising his God given authority was quite humbling.

The direction and love of the Lord we may experience through the service of others is immeasurable! I not only was able to feel it, but it penetrated my heart, filled me with comfort, specific direction, and confirmation of many things I'd already felt and knew. He has been having a hard month, getting close to propose to his girlfriend and yet he was willing to forget and put aside his trials and tribulations that mine may be addressed in and through him. Awesome-God answers prayers and we feel his love through our friends, his angels! Thanks JD!

My long lost love...

My freshman year at Utah State my best friend Emm and I looked into the Photography classes and programs. It was one thing that bonded us together besides, running, biking, tennis, and soccer. Something we could actually talk about, have opinions about and not be challenging to each other. It was an awesome hobby for me-it became an other form of art for me. Besides the drawing, sculpting, and painting of my precollege experience I had found a love in the dark room, seeing lines, lighting, structure, and the many art forms in the world around us, just there for the shooting, with a camera that is...

I have begun to forget how amazing life looks through a lens. I don't know what happened, it may have been the mission where you take so many pictures that the art forms in them are lost and the time is so much more consuming in catching a quick moment, it can seem more of a hassle and the love and passion for the outcome is lost in the shuffle. Five months after I was home, my shooting camera Pentax 67 SLR was stolen and maybe that had something to do with it too! Either way looking for specs that make a high quality pic and looking for the form in the pictures had begun to escape me view. Funny how we merely need to be around a passion for a brief moment and there it is in our face, ready to return. I took pics this weekend on a not so great camera, but better than nothing and fun to get my mind back in the groove. Friends that let you shoot while doing whatever are the absolute best!

Crème brûlée

Have you ever tried Crème brûlée? In the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, Julia Roberts makes the most idiotic contradiction between Crème brûlée and Jello. Stating that sometimes we just want Jello. This is a hard place to put oneself, sometimes Jello is a refreshing treat;the kind with rainbow layers, concoctions with fresh fruits, or my favorite with cream cheese, fruit, and whipped topping. The latter yielding more of a cream consistency than that of the others. What can I say I'm not the Jell-o gal! Even though I may have grown up on simplistic Jell-o, yet it's not my favorite and I know what I want now and won't ever be able to feel the ignorant blissful satisfaction!

I moved down to live in Salt Lake with my Grandpa Phil while attending the University of Utah. He loved going out to eat, I've never been a big fan, but I saw the opportunity to try foods I've merely heard about in life. One evening, early on in my time here in Salt Lake we ate at Little America. At the end of the meal he insisted I choose a dessert, even though I'm not a huge dessert person, especially after eating a full meal. He persisted and I opted for Crème brûlée. It was like no other indulgence I'd experienced-the smooth and rich delectable vanilla bean flavor and creamy consistency penetrating my mouth was without comparison to anything I'd previously experienced.

It is well known by those I associate with that this is my all time favorite of favorites! I have my own french recipes from France, porcelain ramekins, and even a propane cooking torch to cook the sugar tops on each delicious dessert! There are actually a few different flavors to this lovely french display. My personal choice is made with vanilla beans, some lemon zest, and a fruit medley atop consisting of blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries. I love fruit and milk, or fruit and Ice cream, why would this fine dish differ? Still keeping it simple, but quite the process when making it from scratch!

I still love slushies,ice cream sundays with hot fudge and peanuts, and these amazing cherry flavored wax topped ice cream cone. Yet when I want it real, a taste tantalizing to savor, and make the caloric intake worthwhile; when given the option, I will always opt for my favorite flavor of crème brûlée!

Ode to Love

Who are you and what have you done with my walls?

I lent you my heart and I'd like it back for some renovations!

You didn't ask me how long you could stay...

I didn't know you would bring guests to play.

I have gladly given you mine, why must you hold back yours?

Oh, the thrill of excitement, the jest, and the touch.

Your whit and the tickle-I like you so much!

As your eyes look into mine I find myself being swept away

To a place I've not been for a while.

When you're close I can't imagine any place that I'd rather be...

Only in your arms having you care and look after me!

The complications of love, how I wish they would flee

In your company of wonderment I finally feel Free!

Free from the sorrow, free from all care, free from the memories

Times in the past I haven't been able to share.

You've given me a chance to open my innermost parts

In this dramatic process I fear you've run off with my heart!

Adele-Make You Feel my Love

Friends or family first?

Last October I went home for my cousins wedding in Michigan. Growing up we would see these cousins about once a month and because of the geographical distance they would come to our home approximately once a year. Annually I make it to my brother's place in Colorado, this is usually the best rest and relaxation I receive, but heading home to the midwest was the greatest vacation imaginable! It wasn't so much about whose house we were at, how we were dressed, or even what we were doing! It was spending time with our family, those who in the pre-existence we decided it would be amazing to cherish, love, and come here and help each other make it home.

High school was the beginning of a transitional point in my life, moving to Utah and embracing the gospel of Christ, the mission, other callings, and now, by His Spirit, teaching what I've learned and applied to others; my life is in constant transition and change as I progress to become the whom I am meant to be. For the past few years I've had friends to replace some of the roles of my family members. It was a lot less complicated and who needs the extra drama-I have enough to last through the eternities-exactly that-to last through the eternities! I love my family despite our vast differences and views on politics, religion, and a wide array of things that matter, yet not what matters most. As I have been spending time with my friends and their families I long to be with mine and to promote and atmosphere of loving kindness in these important and supposed eternal relationships.

Those on whom you can rely. One reason I've recognized family must be first: when all is said and done, they are the ones who you can call in times of distress, turmoil, and then in rejoicing and good news! A return to the baptismal covenant-to morn with those that morn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort-the love we must possess for our extended family-that of our Eternal Father-the whole human race. Let's look at this family relationship for a moment: Father sent His Only Begotten Son in the flesh to demonstrate His unconditional love for us. We know there is a mother in Heaven above too. Who are their other children? All of the souls living and growing around us. Do we exhibit the same amount of love and care as our Heavenly Parents and Elder Sibling has for us? How do we emulate these superior beings when with our parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews? What may we do to be better? When do we chose to spend time with them-in times of need, joy, convenience, or in consistency?

I was climbing yesterday with one of my sisters (from and another mister), Olivia Macey (Wright). We talked about the very best of friends last throughout the years, and when you have the opportunity and convenience of seeing them, it is all as if no time has elapsed because what your friendship has been based on-some sort of true principles. You have a relationship of love and the sincerest kind of trust. One void of backbiting, manipulation and pride. Looking back the past 10 years I have been given the most amazing friends-those who lift, build, and encourage me to stand on higher ground. Spending time with them makes me want to love my family more than I already do.

When we get back home-to the place of our spiritual birth I want everyone present to welcome me there! Family is something we make out of what we've been given, friends are those we've chosen to amplify all other relationships and be our angels along the way. God has blessed me with so many angels!

Truth be Told

Truth is how things have been, they are, and as they really will be. The last month has been one of the most intensive life-changing experiences of my life!

It has been heart wrenching, inspirationally exciting, and fills me with gratitude for the tender mercies extended to everyone on a daily basis by the Lord himself. Thank Him for His mercy and long-suffering since the beginning of time.

Heart wrenching: Living on campus was an adventure I was willing to embark on merely because I knew it was the right thing. I didn't initially want to be living at 611 Officers' Circle. I felt somewhat forced through inspiration to go and live here. I gave up nannying by 4 brothers from another mother, my wonderful lil labradoodle, and the comfort of a home in Holladay with a garden plot only this dirt surfing hippie gal has dreamed of my whole life! Not pleased, but trusted in the Lord. Last year the residents in 611 became my very best friends, we served in callings, on student boards, cooked, celebrated holidays, and even still see each other now and again by planning to do so.

This school year was a bit of a different story. I was diagnosed with TMJD last August and went through various treatments, seeing countless specialists, and a triage of medications-drugs and I don't do well together, quite the toxic relationship. However, I had the most amazing people in my life to assist me on a daily basis as I was either unable to drive, stay awake, or even stand up against those who opposed all I supported on campus as President of a student group and the magnification of a calling. The councilors like Kylie, helped me survive by taking over when I would pass out from the meds, Jessica was always there to step up to the plate in planning activities and letting me freely kidnap her (best story EVER!), and Lacey was the shining STAR through it all! My most meek and kind friend. She was so much more than a secretary, but a confident, advisor, and compass in so many aspects of my life. Idaho raises so much more than humongous potatoes! More like the best people ever! I stayed in the house to fulfill roles I would have otherwise struggled in.

In sacrificing for what I'd been called I lost three souls of whom I thought to have been my best friends-the ones you can't imagine heaven without? I had grace extended by many, by moving items, storing items, and providing me with weekend get-a-ways from the stress of my disorder and the various situations I'd been placed into grow. It was a hard year and when looking back I would go through it all over again to gain the experience, knowledge, and wisdom I have been granted. There is so much politics involved in University life and it amazes me how low stress it is to live off campus and be given so much freedom to do as we please. Yet there was a sense of community provided through the atmosphere of locality, many got their mail, meals, and munchies from the same place-creating quite the interchange between neighbors. It was a beautiful place to call my home and like the other missions of my life deserves the title-hood of Home.

Inspirationally Exciting: Teaching has always been a pastime I have enjoyed doing! It runs in my veins, not just a talent from the life before this present existence, but my Daddy wanted to be a teacher instead of an engineer, his siblings are teachers, principles, and super-intendants. My mom's family has the same teaching dynamics going on too. In high school I participated in work-study my sophomore and junior years. I worked in a 3rd grade classroom with Mrs. Eliason, who had actually done her student teaching in my 1st grade classroom at Sunset Elementary while I attended there.

Starting as a freshman in college, I tutored biology and chemistry at Utah State. I love seeing other people get what they are wanting to learn or study. This love was enhanced while serving an LDS mission in Spokane Washington for 19 months. While in the mission field, I recognized and value the capacity teaching has to change and even save lives. Inspired teaching facilitates not only the learner an invaluable experience, but the teacher likewise in the same fulfillment. I came home and thought I would be a nurse, but it wasn't for me, that is a profession for my mother. I love teaching! I love watching others receive light! It is a psychological process wherein if one takes the time to observe the behaviors and physical manifestations of the learning process it is quite obvious how individuals learn. Teaching is an individual matter.

Once home from the mission, I finished up my bachelors and undergrad certificates at the University of Utah. In so doing, I noted the qualities and attributes of acceptable teacher and professors versus the ones with phenomenal talent and ability in teaching. There are many differences, the first and foremost being-HEART. If your heart is in the subject you are teaching the energy provided through your passion becomes contagious and spreads to all involved-yielding learning as a rewarding. It was back around this time I recall enrolling in a teaching seminary institute class. It ended up not fitting into my schedule, but I knew someday I would come to perfect my teaching skills. That Someday began two years ago and since that time I've been working towards become a seminary teacher.

God works with our righteous desires-no matter how much we give up on ourselves, our hopes, and our dreams, He never will. He's planted in our hearts these amazing gifts and talents-we just need to do our part in refining or talents. Even after an insanely busy schedule last semester I was able to teach for seminary evaluation...low and behold...it was good! It was definitely a crunch to fit into my schedule and I believe I'm still a bit sleep deprived from early morning rising, but it's allowed me to realize the sacrifices so many have made that youth can be fed the truth, straight-undiluted. I have been training this week-it has lifted me and I recognize, whether it's in my home, in a seminary, or even an institute. I love teaching about the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. There is nothing bigger and better than that!

Attitude of Gratitude: We may know that the tender mercies of the Lord are continually upon us as we live worthy and keep His commandments. I am grateful for a warm home I have to live in, to have a sister so close and rejoice in the time we spend together as a family (Sunday dinners, gardening, spending time as Aunti Sari, family prayer etc.), and lately it's been a man that encourages me to think, love, laugh, and to take part in all of the most marvelous adventures life has to offer.

This man's name is Blue. Those eyes are the like the ocean and no matter how great the swimmer or sailer, it is easy to get lost in them...those eyes. His smile lights up not only a room, but my life, there is something deep within my soul that jumps when he smiles/shines and he's always smiling and filling the air with his laughter-it's contagious. There's so much to smile about in this life-I love living and am so glad to be here on earth! Laughter is life's medicine and I think I could live in complete bliss with him as the rhythm to skip to as life's beat. I don't know if I've ever paid attention to such wittiness in an individual-he takes the cake. Blue just simply deserves all the attention I can give him. He's honest, sincere, and as real as they come. He's open with life experiences and I thank the good Lord he's been through what he has so I too can learn and grow from listening to what he sees fit to share. Blue makes me contemplate and re-evaluate...maybe there is something missing from my life? I can't go back to imagining life without him in it, it's as if he's just always been there! To take him out of my life's equation may be more painful than I can stand to bear. He is like the Peanut Butter; thus making me the Jelly. Oh Blue...I truly love you!

To: IHB - Memory Lane