I don't know even where to begin. About a month ago I was walking through life-truly enjoying the casual stroll of it all. A new house, a new job, a new ward, said goodbye to friends from the past 3 years and was ready to move forward with whatever the good Lord had in store. I know life to be 90% attitude and what you make of it and the other 10% of what just comes your way. I was completely content, happy, loved being outdoors by myself, in fact doing most thing by myself, with the exceptions of climbing, teaching, and chilling with my roommates. I was completely satisfied and had come to a strong resolution I wouldn't even think about men and just play the summer away and get back the life I once had two summers ago! I had been previously consumed by school, work and a calling.
Then in the middle of me about to go on a climbing date-which is my passion, climbing not dating, comes this kid out of now where!!! It was kind of like I lost my head and couldn't have cared less about the climb or the other guy any more. It may have been the goodness in his eyes or the intrigue of his smile. To this day I'm still unsure, maybe it was some combo action. Either way something weird happened to me, I dropped my guard, and or the first time since I was fourteen really let someone in! It was the most empowering and bittersweet feelings I've ever had.
I've had people try and explain these occurrences to me, but I honestly haven't felt anything like it. In part I'm sure because I hold back and make a complete disconnect between my heart and head. I can love with my head really easy-it's actually 2nd nature to me. At an early age, I was taught to love by my father, know the doctrine associated, understand the principles and actions behind what love is and most of this can actually be done without the heart, but I must warn you when you finally let your heart get involved it's like a race. One I've seen others run, one I thought was great for them if they wanted to lose their heads and look foolish in front of everyone. It wasn't ever going to be me...or so I thought until now.
I'm in this race, with my hands tied behind my back, unable to use them to propel myself forward. The water stations are only dangerously every 5 miles apart instead of every two and for the first month of the race, water stations were every 1/2 mile! Making the race easy and I felt full and hydrated, giving me much confidence and next to no worries about my twittered behavior. Then my running partner started getting cold feet and talking to runners who haven't trained, either in the best schools or even at all! Runners who don't run or give up because they stub their toes. He loves them so he listens to them, but they don't know me or even the whole situation. I openly admit I don't have a clue about their whole situation either, other than there is some impenetrable bond that won't ever be broken. I actually respect that a lot, just not the judgements and harsh reality this group of friends-is like a VIP club and every other runner wanting in, even the very best must endure the harshest hazing process.
If that wasn't enough, this other old-time runner comes from out of town, doesn't know me from Eve, makes a few harsh judgement calls, and I'm out of even being on the steps of the VIP club, but to the back of the line four blocks down the street! I just got messed...I don't even want the club, just a member, the best member, to come back out and run with me. What does he do? Takes an axe and hacks me at my ankles. Now here I am ready to run and no means even whereby to do so! In the back of my mind I recognize, he has these amazing plans cause I know he saw the trail and was ready to run it too-at the same time I did. It like being in a 5.8 on the richter scale and denying it ever happened.
Indeed I am grateful to have had the experiences I have had. Seeing a family that isn't perfect, but lovely and what I picture as mostly ideal. Allowing myself to open up and it's done wonders for me in some aspects. I'm just seemingly sassy to everyone. I forgot how very much I love being crazy-like hanging out truck doors, late night 711 runs, spending virtually every free moment in the mountains (that was why I came to Utah anyway) But now that I feel free with who and how do I run? Do I wait until he decided to give me my feet back while soaking my ankles in ice? Do I force him to give me my feet and my heart back too? I believe force is unjustified in most if not all cases, or do I follow the heart that I have left, freely give him what he has already, and go shopping for prosthetics? They are doing amazing things with them these days. When running with others I get board and if I don't run then I tuck my head nicely within my shell and wait out the hazard. All of the options make my heart, feet, and head hurt.
Early on in the week I had a training session with the head coach. He told me to crawl along with my feet iced, work on the other things I have been given to occupy my time, love the runner with all his friends and it would all work out as I'd been previously instructed by the coach. The only problem is...I'm not a big fan of placing things on ice. Ice melts, it makes a mess, the flesh runs chill, and there's always a chance of constant ice burn.
Afterwards, I ran into a dear friend who was once an honorary VIP in the club, she gave me some good advice. She tells things like she sees them. Moreover, maybe she calls them similarly to how I see them. She used the example of a dog, which I relate well with, since I've taken much time to love and understand how mans best friend works. If a loyal dog wonders from home and someday will, the confident and educated owner trusts the dog knows where his home is, how much love it felt in her care, and god willing no harm comes to the animal, and they make it to their destination. If it's back home then it's exactly that-home. If not, then it just wasn't meant to be.
Faith is when you believe in someone enough to let them go that they can be who they are supposed to be!
No comments:
Post a Comment