A heart as big as mine

Yesterday I had a friend come home from his mission.  He and I became friends a couple of years ago as he was my neighbor on The University of Utah campus.  We had many common friends, belonged to the same ward, studied the gospel in the morning, and when all was said and done I enjoyed spending time with him, yet I knew my purpose was to see him get dropped off at the MTC and embark on the mission to which he'd been called. 


I've decided in passing months, I'm impartial and almost indifferent to love...I've been waiting for some bomb-like feeling.  Some huge deliriously happy, stupefying, all encompassing emotion to happen as I surround myself with members of the opposite sex.  


I now believe I'm even more confused with my personal research than I ever have been.  Yesterday I believe I experienced every form of love:


Friend-like love: 


I ate lunch with a friend that when we converse I feel intellectually stimulated, he's very warm, kind and sincere when we spend time together and I know he genuinely cares about me as an individual.  He'd drop anything for me and always checks up on me to see how I am doing!  A true blue friend, yet there are specific attributes he possesses  which hold me back to bonding with him.  


Huge-heart love:


I met my friend's parents and we were off to the airport to pick up the missionary. His family was so excited for his arrival.  It was the best airport experience I've taken part in beside my own.  Aunt's, Nana, cousins, sisters, and both of his parents were there.  Funny, as I stood there waiting and watching I thought how much more adrenaline I was experiencing than jumping out a plane the week before.  He as as bright as a shiny new penny.  I thought how handsome and attractive he looked!  Everyone was hugging him and as he said something to me about coming out to the airport-I shook his hand and he looked at me questioningly.  


We made it back to his house with his parents and we spent a good hour there going through some mission items he'd sent home.  He was so quirky, full of adrenaline and stories, and the Spirit of the Lord.  It felt so good to be with him.  His family told me I should just hug him, but I didn't feel right about it until he was released.  His sister put on a BBQ that we quickly slipped in and out of so that we could rush off to the stake president to have him released.  Earlier in the evening someone had asked who I was and Alex quickly answered I was his BFF.  It's been along time since I've felt like I've been a mans BFF, with the exception of my brother.  I must whole heartedly admit, this title fits well with me and when the Stake President asked who I was, it was a comfortable reply. 


He left as a boy who didn't know God, himself, or what he believed.  In listening to his testimony before being released, he knows all of the aforementioned items, plus in watching him teach his niece how to play the ukulele last night, he's a master teacher filled with an abundance of love and the self motivation and discipline of a man.  A man of God...he's been through the refiners fire and I wonder if I even am worthy to be called his friend, let alone his best friend.  Being with him last night made me want to be better, to go back to every principle, embrace every doctrine, and live all application I've ever known to be true in this life.  Thus too making me one with my master.  I then find myself asking, is not this love?  The love that endures the tests of time and the enchanting promise of the eternities?  


                  Side notes of the experience:   I noted familial love: sisters, mother, father, nana, in-laws, church associated love, etc.


Committed love:


In a committed relationship there are certain responsibilities, commitments, and unsaid rules to be kept.  I've been instructed to grow-up and have taken the leap of faith to enter into a relationship I cannot see the end.  I've exchanged heartfelt experiences and tragedies of my life as has he for a requited companionship.  One with whom I am attracted and feel safe in his embrace, we think about life in a similar fashion and have had some parallel experiences.  Yet I think we may lack the sacrifice and selflessness to make our relationship last.  We are both very strong willed and opinionated individuals who have become comfortable with our lives as nothing more than that-individuals.  This yields the question, love is more than an emotional, physical, intellectual tie...it is when our spirit cries to another spirit reaching out for the innermost thoughts and intents of our hearts to be joined into one union, one purpose, a oneness with our Maker.  


      

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart...has a new meaning for me today.

I have always loved this scripture-in God's infinite wisdom He's taught me to trust Him, in the plan He's prepared for me, and endlessly placing me at the right place in the right time. Countlessly in my heart righteous desires have been granted to me in His time and definitely in His way. Man's thinking continues in paths contrary to the way of Father in Heaven and his will for our lives.

The semester wrapped up for my most challenging group of students today. I was sick and almost numb in feeling as they left the classroom this morning. I love them, but not as much as I could have, unconditionally, or inasmuch as the Lord warms us with His embrace. I am on the list for full-time teaching next year, which was a goal I set out to achieve. I should be ecstatic and filled with joy! I am and yet the fear of my inadequacy to love them resides deep within the most solemn confines of my soul. I need to love them with my whole heart and not a partial or conditional love which I've based on many aspects of their challenging teenage lives (sleep deprivation, broken homes, AP classes, college application, peer pressure, rampant pornography, drug and alcohol addition.) They are in continual pull and distraction from the principles and doctrines of Godliness which they have been sent to earth, to search out, analyze, and apply through personal achievement.

I'd been home from the mission less than a month, out with a spank'n new greenie on exchanges, and she asks me what's the greatest thing I learned as a missionary. Almost impulsively I answer, "It's all about the love, it's always been about the love, it's still about the love, and it will always be about the love-there is no greater power in the universe!" In retrospect of the last year of my life I've lost sight of this knowledge and gift the good Lord has bestowed upon me! In October it began to cycle back into my life as I rekindled damaged relationships after a friend came home from his mission. A dear friend of mine has struggled in living her life the past few months, but is greatly rebounding as she serves those around her. I see Him in her and I recognize the incredible power of His love in our lives if we merely just let in His light to shine through our actions.

As a missionary, and now as a teacher, I am asked questions where the spirit refrains me from answering anything other than, "Follow your heart, it won't lead you astray!" Yet this is conditional with almost the unsaid clause; if you trust in the Lord with all thine heart, then it won't lead you astray. In the past twenty-four hours I've had a pretty harsh reality check, making my mind mill around in memories of the past year. I had a distinct impression to judge not and to follow my heart in June. Due to my own misperceptions I let some of my most valued relationships go awry through the allowance of pride, arrogance, and doubt, all of which continue to get in the way of my personal happiness.

Whenever I am sick, the Lord takes the time to teach me as I lay in bed trying to rest my body. Over the past few days each afternoon I've come home to take a nap. Today all I could do is lay and reminisce how if I would just TRULY TRUST in the LORD with ALL thine HEART, I wouldn't question, I wouldn't wallow, I would merely move forward to stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. Everyone deserves second semesters in life! I'm ever grateful for His loving Atonement that make this all possible.

The Only Synonym for Covenants is Love Story

The Director of Seminaries and Institutes spoke at a fireside last night. I love this man and his ability to listen to the brethren, teach by the Spirit and follow His promptings no matter where or what audience he is about to teach.

Last evening he spoke of keeping covenants. This has been something that has stood out in my mind maybe about the past 9 months or so...How serious is it that we keep our covenants? What is our accountability level on the covenants we make in this life? What if someone else severely compromises a covenant made that we too have been blessed to partake in?

About two years ago while working at the Family History Library I had a co-worker who was married within the everlasting covenant. She's had children and her marriage ended in divorce due to her husbands chance in sexual preference. This woman is a saint and someday when I grow-up I want to be just like her, she's grateful for ever hardship she's received in this life and they come to her on a weekly if not daily basis. She so kindly pointed out to me as we've talked about marriage and the covenants made there in aren't just merely made between you and your spouse, but with the Lord Jesus Christ. She asked me a profound question, it has brought me much hope in the prospects of marriage even though I tread very leery on the concepts of being with someone forever, she asked when spouses go through a session together, where do they sit in the session? From here on out she let the Spirit teach me and I take great application in what Chad Webb was striving to teach last night.

I worked as a contracted employee last year and when it ended, both parties were very clear that it was over. No second thoughts, tears, hard feelings, or forms of reconciliation. Whereas when we make covenants with the Lord there are always second chances, in fact His mercy extends into 3rds, 4ths, and through seven times seven (Hebrew translation is infinitely many). God didn't design a plan he thought we'd fail in pursuing, on the contrary the best engineers make plans that are fool-proof. What kind of plan do you think our Loving Father in Heaven has made for us? I'm not a parent, but when I am, I want my kids to love home so much they feel comfortable coming home for summer vacations, holidays, sunny afternoons, just to play, talk or share, and most importantly when they feel like there is no where else to go, home will always be a place of refuge from the storms of life.

In teaching seminary we talk a lot about being covenant people, we still to this day may receive the blessings of the Abraham, for we are of the house of Israel. Covenants are a key part of who we were, what we act like now, and the blessings we have in-store and those of a noble birthright. In last conference Elder Russell M. Nelsen told us what the greatest compliment we could be called in this life. I'll let you feel and find it out for yourself:

Be a Covenant Keeper

This is indeed the greatest love story of all time. Everything the Father does for His children is out of Love-the grandest power in the universe! No matter how often we forsake Him and His plan, His Son, and the promptings of The Holy Ghost; they will never forsake and will always forgive us.

Recreational Therapy and the Light of the Lord

So this will be my second week working as a Site Manager for the YMCA's after school program in Taylorsville. I love working with the kids-they are wonderful and I love watching their lives brighten as they feel loved, encouraged, and validated. It is so rewarding to be with them! They are so brilliant and I know the Lord indeed has saved them for these latter-days! They are definitely wiser and more adept than I was in the second grade. Amazing and I love them so much! It's also an awesome opportunity to work with their parents and see the countless family dynamics and interactions of how various cultures interact and respect each other.

In just the past few days I've learned so very much! My colleagues are incredible and the love they too exhibit their passion for the kids we work to improve their quality of life. It's incredible and I love it-I can't remember the last job, not only did the time fly, but I not only knew I was benefiting the lives of those whom I was serving, but could feel it. I leave there recharged, thrilled about life and have a greater desire to do good in the world in which we live.

It is true they have so much energy and zeal for life, but I feel as though this energy is transferred inadvertently to me and I benefit greatly all in the same. Everyone is a team, working together for the common good of mankind and the last time I worked in such a capacity was the summer I came home from the mission. I loved it then and have always healed the fondest memories of that first summer home. Funny as we allow the world to influence the way we think we feel about things, the further we get from what REALLY brings us true happiness!

Seminary was also phenomenal today! I had a realization of something I learned in college course year before last. This generation in which we live is that of technology, television, and video games. I have realized in spending time with younger children, the best way to help my students is by getting them out of their seats and moving forward into their futures, by actively participating in what will help them pull out the principles and ordinances in their lives, thus in the years to come, they will be pulling out the principles as they immerse themselves in the scriptures. Which has brought me to a new way of getting them to do their journals for next semester. Principles and Doctrines-it all comes back to these-in every aspect of our lives.

Rolling waters cannot remain impure

I have found new meaning in the phrase, "Keeping on Your Toes." The way the Lord purifies our hearts and hands is the process by which we progress through righteous acts of our individual agency. Oft times I find myself, in the higher mountains and I can't help myself longing to drink from the mountain streams. Now many say it may not be the wisest thing, but my father taught me if you take from the top where the water is continually moving there is little to now chance of the rolling waters to become stagnant and infected with the numerous hosts of bacteria found in the outdoors.

Much like these top waters our lives are mixed with currents, runoff, and changing temperatures. These trials, challenges, and changes in our lives are the very opportunity the Savior uses to beckon us to come unto Him. When we really fully in our faith in Him no challenge is to great, trial to hard to work through, and and change to drastic to find peace within the solace of His care. How often do we minimize the profound affect the Atonement make take place in our lives as we cast our burdens upon the Lord? Do we believe in His great sacrifice, to stand firm in the faith on a daily basis? When do open our mouths enough to share the good news of His gospel with those around us? When we fully appreciate what it is we have been given we pass it along to those who could benefit from His message-the whole of mankind.

How long can rolling waters remain impure? The next time you think of the tide and how hard it seems at time to stay afloat, remember He is there willing to lift you to safety and in the process purify your heart and hands that you may more readily serve Him who is mighty to save!

The Young Men in my Life

As I drove into work this morning I remember a parallel morning years ago as I drove from the Avenues to the SL Institute to attend a class for returning missionaries. I remember the sun's breaking rays over the mountain side as spiritual inspiration opened upon my mind and it was revealed to me within the hour I would be asked to serve on council at the Salt Lake Institute, not for just a year, but to serve in various capacities and callings in the next four years over firesides for the Returned Missionary Council, Director of Missionary Work, and Sports and Recreation.

Similar to the experience of that morning where I was taught why despite my constant concern as a full-time missionary of why the Lord would continually call me to server in the student areas of Washington State, Gonzaga, Spokane Falls Community College, Eastern Washington, and lastly University of Idaho. In my mind, The Gospel and Good News of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was for families, little did I see the correlation of me recognizing the truth of it as a freshman at Utah State and how important it would be for me in upcoming years to see how Student and Young Single Adult Wards we're to function and be set up. All of my previous mission experience have been an abundant source of knowledge, obedience, and faith promoting experiences which provided me to apply what I learned as a full time missionary.

Serving on Institute Council has blessed my life immeasurably! I cannot even count the friends I have made, the mentors and teachers I have gratefully received, and the foundation I now recognize I will need for what is before me. It helped me to a grow a love for attending classes, the overlying institution therein, and then graduate with a diploma and a certificate. It was by service through the latter-day student association, I fell in love with student wards, my peers, and gave me a greater capacity and desire to serve within my wards. During this same time I've been called to be a visiting teacher, district leader, and supervisor, a ward missionary and gospel doctrine teacher both multiple times, a stake sports coordinator/representative, a temple prep teacher, a mission prep teacher, a family home evening co-chair, and in three different Relief Society Presidencies. Until yesterday I thought serving in Relief Society would be my supporting and saving grace in teaching my students in the seminary classroom-until one of the students asked if we could have "missionary moments" where we learn what are the kinds of questions investigators have...striking me a bit odd...aren't we all eternal investigators in some sense of the phrase? Shouldn't we be? Willing to strive on a daily basis to ask questions and do all that we can to have them answered to the fullest extent?

Who God calls-He has prepared and we must place our trust in Him, that as much as we may not feel adequate He makes up the difference and we become capable, through our diligence and long-suffering, to be who He has called us to be.