Damned if I do and damned if I don't

What does it mean to be damned? I grew up thinking it meant one was going to purgatory or hell. I have come to appreciate the saying more this year than I have in my life. I'm an optimist through and through, yet in recent weeks I've felt totally deserted and more confused than ever before. I have my dream job-teaching seminary, dream location of living (a garden, close walk to the U, friends in the neighborhood, a best friend for a roommate, best ward ever), a sister here in SLC w/ two darling kidos and a doggie, another job working at MCS with a my darling Hen, my health is a billion times better than last summer and I'm enjoying hiking, camping, sports, running, and even getting back into biking this summer! I'm working towards my life's dreams and goals again! On paper life is ridiculously great and yet I am left feeling unsatisfied-like there is something out there I am missing.

I think the last time I felt like this was when Mick came home early from his mission and his Bipolar had taken over how he viewed others and even perceived himself. I had put my whole heart into serving him, his family, and him doing well on his mission. It flopped and I recognized I wanted nothing to do with any of it after a month or two, but the pain I felt was that of the most exquisite heartache. It was the perfect distraction-him serving a mission allowed me to magnify an institute calling, care for my g'pa, learn to not set my heart on the things of this world, and grow in ways I could barely comprehend at the time. Yet, I remember feeling the same way-damned if I do and damned if I don't!

I am left to ponder upon the words of a pseudo father, "Sarah whatever you do you will do it well; I've never seen you do something you haven't put your whole heart into. It is really all about your heart. When your heart is His, He will use you time and time again. People ultimately feel the goodness of Him in you and they wanted to remember His love in their lives. The downfall I've experienced is getting a big head about it and floating away in personal arrogance and pride. I am no better off than the Nephites of old as they thought they knew better than He who created them.

I had a dream this past weekend where what I personally wanted wasn't in alignment with what the Lord wants. This guy I know and I were on missions, he in a three-some and I in a companionship with my companion going home. As she and I waited for her parents to come and pick her up, she slept on the couch and I went to study. He and his companions shared our pad and for some reason I went to hug him and he pushed me away with the arms length line, holding his ground. This was followed up by him stating, "You and I are serving different missions here." I was so bummed I took my books and went to study by myself in the bathroom. Slightly random, yet I don't ever dream, but when I do they are vivid and I remember almost every color hue, persons face, and other details. I woke up having a greater understanding, what I wanted from this young man wasn't what he was supposed to give me at this time.

I'll I'm really seeking is for salvation and exaltation. Knowing the tender mercies of the Lord, I'm going about it the wrong way, looking in the wrong places, or in the wrong time. I'm still unsure which, but am certain of one thing-when the stars aren't aligned or in reality when His will and ours aren't aligned accordingly, with patience and long-suffering, we may be led to feel damned and this is a not-so-nice feeling. It makes me want to bust out in rage and divine discontent and say, "Why Lord, what would you have me do? I know what I was supposed to have done differently. May we move on to part two?" I'm satisfied to know I am in intermission, haven't been forsaken, and yet I've gotten the popcorn and soda and just feel as though I am sitting here unduly impatient waiting for the previews to be over and the movie to start.